If you shit your pants, do you keep going with your week or is your week over?

If you shit your pants, do you keep going with your month or is your month over?

If you shit your pants, do you keep going with your life or is your life over?

I clean up and do whatever I still feel like. The arbitrary border of “day” means nothing to me, same as any other arbitrary border.

As long as it is clearly communicated by him what he’s doing and why, any approach is fine really. So as long as he tells her his exact purpose of the break and what he needs to stop it, all good.

If that is not done, and it’s just a one-sided decision of his to stop talking, not even explaining anything, then it is very bad. It’d basically be like a parent punishing their child and not telling them what for, mentally very problematic. Of course it should be able to be implied by her in some way, but it’s very easy to come to the wrong conclusions.

Second question, you simply don’t let them. You calmly keep repeating your question, pointing out their intentional ignoring, stating that you will only talk with them about anything else after this question is answered, until they either get so mad as to run away, or they respond to it. But you have to actually stay strong, and not allow them to do it. Depending on other things that need to be communicated, and how stubborn they are, that will hurt yourself as well as them since other important stuff for you might not get communicated. But that is something that needs to be tolerated, because breaking from the original intention is worse for the future, it shows that ignoring the question works, and they’ll repeat it.

he was sort of always pushing her daily.

This is exactly what it sounded like. Glad you’ve got this information, now I’ve got more things to say.

What he’s doing comes from a perfectly nice and helpful place. He actually sees her behavior hurt herself and wants to help her hurt less.

But you should never “help” someone in this way. It’s the worst thing he can possibly do, it actually only makes things worse.

The only way you can help people is by being there for them and assisting them on their own path. In other words, the only way you can be a positive force is by letting them do whatever the fuck they want, and helping them with that. If “whatever the fuck they want” does not include “getting out of the depression” and “getting rid of anxiety”, then there’s literally nothing you can do. If you try to get them to do actions that you think might be good for them, even if they actually were good for them if they wanted to do them, if they don’t want to do them by themselves all you’re doing is just making them feel worse for “being wrong”.

It might even be the case that she wants to get out of depression or get rid of her anxiety, but she’s taking the wrong actions for it. And he may be trying to get her to do “better actions”, that actually accomplish what was set out to do. Even that doesn’t work. She has to get to the “better actions” herself. You can maybe ask questions, or point out that the “current action” doesn’t seem to be working, but the idea to change her actions has to come from herself.

That is the only way people change. People change by their own will, or they don’t. As another person, you can basically just be with them and watch. Anything much more and you’re starting to fuck things up more instead of help.

but told me she won’t do anything if he doesn’t stay on about it until it’s done

Then she should be doing nothing. He should be doing his own thing. She either comes out of it by herself, or doesn’t. “Staying on about it” gets things done, but it also makes them both more miserable.

I see, makes sense :) interesting and lovely to hear.

How was your day?

Where am I “grilling them”? I’m just asking about their motivation. Is that wrong?

I definitely don’t believe that last statement. People don’t just randomly do things without getting something out of it.

But you actually answered me, what you’re getting out of it is the possibility of making other people feel good/better, the thought of which makes you feel good. That is what you’re getting out of it. You said “it feels a bit nice yknow”.

Why do you say you’re getting something out of it (“feels a bit nice”) and then at the same time say “I’m not gaining anything”? This is a direct contradiction.

Just because this is not literally the most important thing, doesn’t mean the relationship is necessarily doomed.

But one thing I believe very strongly is that a relationship only works when both people are fine with leaving each other under certain circumstances. If leaving is such a big hurdle that you accept lots of misery instead of it, something is fucked. That’s why I hate marriage and the whole “until death do us part” thinking. If you can’t leave someone, you’re basically saying “I’m fine with you doing the most horrible things to me”. Leaving should always theoretically be on the table. People treat leaving or the end of a relationship as this super horrible thing, but in actuality everyone knows that sometimes it’s absolutely the right course of action.

To me, it doesn’t seem like their relationship necessarily needs to come to an end. From what you have said of course. With more details, this might change. But I can still see lots of paths that could lead to them staying together.

If it was my friend, I would ask him what he would do if he was absolutely sure that his wife will never change. And then tell him that this is what he should do, because 1. in my opinion it is toxic to be in a relationship and expect the other person to change and 2. her not changing is the most likely outcome, people do change, but they always resist it very much, and often that resistance is too great.

I’m pretty sure I didn’t misunderstand the words. You literally said “no other advice matters”. I.e. this is the only thing that’s important. That’s quite clearly false, you just admitted it yourself.

It is actually possible to resolve without this. There’s so many resolutions that don’t involve both parties agreeing.

Very good, played Terraria the whole day with my main partner, had good sex, and ate well.

Why are you asking? Like what does it give you? You don’t know me or mostly anyone here personally, right? Why are you invested/interested in the minutiae of our day-to-day lives? (I’m not saying it’s bad, just very unusual, which is why I’m asking)

lol, both parties agreeing does mostly nothing. It’s a nice step, and maybe even necessary for them to stay together, but with “no other advice matters”, you vastly overstate how important this realization is. You can easily agree on this and everything can not work out anyway.

There is 2 ways really: your friend needs to leave, or he needs to be fine with the imbalance, winding down as much as is necessary.

She’s not going to change unless things stop working for her. It’s a simple reality of the human mind. That doesn’t mean it’s guaranteed she will change, she might not.

Option 1, the real threat of him leaving will cause huge issues within her. She will either change to keep him, or fall into more misery. Both are very possible.

Option 2, him stopping to care, and (likely) toning down his involvement is the harder option for him. With toning down I mean, maybe just cook for himself, maybe just clean whatever is absolutely important to him and his own dirt, masturbate more, do less “relationship thinking”. Do everything necessary down to a level that he is actually comfortable with. You can actually be completely fine in an uneven relationship, it’s mostly a mindset thing. Of course being with someone else might be better, which is leaving again. I’m poly, so I’ve got that covered anyway, they seem monogamous, so no other people to fill the gaps without leaving, in my relationships everyone does just as much as they want and gets everything else they need from other people, which works perfectly. But that is likely not an option here.
So yeah, him toning down his involvement will also result in missing comfort for her (like leaving would, option 1), which will either cause her to change to more even involvement, or feel even more bad and lead to option 1 again.

Your friend can’t control what his wife does. He can only control what he does and get comfortable with how his wife is. In my opinion, this whole situation from what you said is pretty much his fault, and not hers, as you’ve said this inequality has been like this from the beginning. He knew what he was getting into, she doesn’t seem to have misled him or changed majorly. He should’ve either never entered/deepened this relationship or have been truly fine with the inequality, if he was, there would be no problems now.

For someone saying karma doesn’t mean anything you’re sure farming lots of it! Making good comments and shit worthy of upvotes! You’re quite a terrible hypocrite!

True, but also, C and C++ is steadily being replaced and really only keeps being used because of existing tooling, processes, and skillsets, not because it’s actually better than Rust or similar. And yeah, agree with JS+Python. My statement definitely was hyperbole :D

Well, pre-2000 is quite a strong limitation here. In the last 25 years in programming, basically everything changed. It’s hard to find anything older than 25 years that’s even still relevant.

But I would say Lisp, or what it brings, mainly the ability to do meta-programming, using code to change/generate code. It basically solves what AI is being used now to solve, namely generating boilerplate code. In many languages, there is just so much shit you have to write to get to the actual creating a solution, problem solving part, which you can very cleanly circumvent with meta-programming, greatly reducing the mental load necessary to understand programs if used correctly. But, like many things, it’s hard to use, easily misused, and thus requires you to be very smart about it. Many programming features and conventions and so on attempt to basically safeguard you from incompetent programmers, or rather allowing you to work with incompetent programmers without them being a detriment more than a benefit. Needing to decipher arcane macros is quite challenging indeed.

There are a couple of Lisps newer than 2000, like Clojure, which I would have mentioned without your limit, and which I’m now circumventing by talking about what the limit prevents me to do.

Only one way to find out! YOLO!

I’d probably do nothing, since the safest thing I could very likely do would always be to stay inside and sleep all day. Going out to subject myself to cars is probably always more risky.

Change to delivery of food instead of getting it myself. Exercise more often at my home gym. Not meet anyone so as to reduce disease vectors. Just in general really do much less.

That’s a good question, but I’d rather like to know if you have ever had a dream that you, um, you had, your, you- you could, you’ll do, you- you wants, you, you could do so, you- you’ll do, you could- you, you want, you want them to do you so much you could do anything?

Wasn’t objectively very funny, but we were fucking in like a standing position next to the bed and she started leaning forward, I started leaning forward, and we just tumbled onto the bed in a mess of appendages. Had to stop for a while because we were laughing so hard 🤣

No one said it should be normal or is reasonable. They’re just saying it’s possible, which it is.